Take it away Bertie!

E = ?

Morgan: Flying the flag for GB

Apparently Americas got talent host Piers Morgan has been called up to take part in a major international sporting event (except he hasn’t).

The Human Lactation Games organised by The Journal of Human Lactation (est. 1889) are held every 30 years. Morgan said I was surprised to be asked and couldn’t wait to say yes, yes yes!

Morgan revealed that he received his call up letter yesterday, it read as follows:

Dear Mr Morgan,

Morgan will be Jetting off to Birkenhead near Liverpool uk in December when the Games begin (except he wont cause he isn’t going) .

J-Lo's O2 flow

Apparently today, Jenifer Lopez proved her green credentials by announcing plans to save the world from global warming (except she didn’t).  J Lo has been working closely with Professor Heinz Beanz of the Frankfurt Institute of Technical Stuff.

The daring plan involves a life size latex cast of J Lo’s arse being blasted into orbit and placed over the largest hole in the ozone layer. The singer / actresses arse will act as a sort of toupee blocking dangerous space rays from the earths surface.

Critics were quick to point out that this has been previously tried unsuccessfully with former Cheers star Ted Danson’s actual toupee . Professor Heinz Beans has argued that this time ‘Jenny from the block’ will be successful, as not only is J Lo’s arse considerably bigger but it is also dual functioning. Professor Beanz explained that he has designed J Lo’s arse to fart pure oxygen, thereby creating a therapeutic ’ Dutch Oven’ effect over planet earth utilising J Lo’s oxygenated farts. Lopez’s o2 emissions will therefore help to maintain the fragile ecosystem of mother earth by reducing Co2 Levels said Professor Beanz.

The arse is being built by Latex specialist Albert Dunkindonuts from World of Latex-’for all your Latex needs’. In a press release today Albert stated that despite the enormous size of Jenifer Lopez’s arse he still had plenty of latex left for other projects.

Professor Heinz Beanz

© PerezTravellodge – 2008

An Officer and a Gerbilman

Perez Travellodge can exclusively reveal that Hollywoodland heart throb Richard Gere has started to live as a gerbil! (except he hasn’t). The star of box office action blockbusters such as Shall we dance? And that one with Julia Roberts as a prossy has made himself a 6 foot fury gerbil suit complete with tail and ears.

Animal lover Gere explained why he has started to live as a rodent. He said (possibly) that he had the idea several years ago following a spate of unproven and unfounded rumours about him abusing gerbils. “I love those fury little guys and the thought of them being harmed makes me mad! I got to thinking what must those little critters go through ,

I wanted to empathise with them”.

Gear has converted his $76 a week Malibu apartment into a large sand filled aquarium complete with giant cardboard toilet roll tubes. He is even eating specially imported giant genetically modified sunflower seeds, each the size of an American football. “I love it” said Gere “I spend the day chewing those toilet rolls and trying to escape Its great fun!”

In a possibly unconnected story Perez Travellodge has been reliably informed that a man bearing a striking resemblance to Louis Gosset Jr has commissioned a 12 foot latex arse from World of Latex – ‘for all your latex needs‘, a latex super store in San-Anton California. Albert Dunkindonuts the owner of World of Latex – ‘for all your latex needs‘, says the gentleman in question approached the counter and asked me where I was from. “Houston” I replied, to which he told me that only 2 things come out of Houston , Steers and queers and as he didn’t see any horns he wanted to know which one I was.

Something stuck Mayonaise?

 Perez TravellodgeÔ 2008 Ó

 Gordon Ramsey’s Cannibal Kitchen: Perez Travellodge breaking news!

My my Clarice, fancy some soup?

 

 

Gobby high flying Chef Gordon Ramsay today declared war upon other celebrity cooks. But has Ramsay gone beyond the bounds of decency in an effort to outdo fellow bonkers kitchen professor Heston Blumenthal?

Blumenthal is famous for his zany culinary creations at his Gastro pub ‘the Fat duck’ in Bray Berkshire. Included on his menu are dishes such as SNAIL PORRIDGE and Monkey spunk tarts (not).

Ramsay (36) announced his new summer chefs cannibal menu from his own Gastro pub ’The Burgled Turd’ in Tilehurst Berkshire.

The theme for Ramsay’s menu is other celebrity chefs, literally!

Mad Ramsay exclusively told Perez Travellodge that he has been abducting other TV cooks for a period of 4 months,” My fuc#ing freezers full of the tw>ts!” laughed Gordon.

The Burgled Turd has its grand opening tonight. The star studded menu will cost eager diners a whopping £6.99 a head.

Gordon became quite weird when he described the menu to us, a bit like Hannibal Lecter in that film with Jody Foster. ‘To start’ said Ramsay ’ we have a fine clear soup made from Ainsley Harriot, followed by SALMON POACHED IN extract of Lloyd Grossman served upon a bed of freshly grated Rick Stein. The main course is a traditional roast with a twist, it is a healthy portion of slow roasted Delia Smith. “Delia is bit of a porker these days” said Gordon so there is quite a bit to go round. Gordon estimates that Delia’s rump alone will easily feed a sitting of at least 75. For pudding, Gordon wanted to keep it simple so he has shoved a pineapple up Jamie Oliver’s arse, “its got a simple light summer feel to it” explained Ramsay.

Ramsay is not the only TV chef making headlines – Howling Mad Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall was detained under anti terror legislation following the unveiling of his ‘Provisional IRA cheese on toast special’, this consisted of farmhouse mature cheddar grilled on slice of wholemeal semtex. Armed officers surrounded his camper van in a Dorset lay-by early yesterday.

                                                                      Ó

Perez TravellodgeÔ 2008

 

 

 

Mills - " Im still standing "

My music biz chums have told me that rumour has it Paul Mcartney is dabbling in the dark arts (except he is not) following his split with hosebeast Heather.
Allegedly he has taken her favourite leg (except he hasn’t) and had it cursed by a voodoo witch doctor. Macca can often be seen in the fields of his country estate sticking pins into the leg and singing Mull of Kintyre (except he doesn’t probably).
Heather is furious said close friend Siguefried BurgerKing. It’s her best leg she has another two but that is her favourite – she really is hopping mad. It is believed that Mills may seek legal advice.

Pauls legal spokesman Tristram BurgerKing issued a statement today ” legally, as far as my client is concerned, she dosent have a leg to stand on”.

Reminds me of some jokes that Ringo once told me:
In a remote South African gold mine, a miner was setting dynamite to blast a seam when it exploded taking one of his legs clean off. As he was stretchered out, he was heard to sob “What will happen to me? I have a family to look after, we are very poor…who’s ever going to want a one legged gold digger?” then his mobile phone rings…”Hello? Who? Oh, Sir Paul…what an honour…”

Did you hear that Paul’s giving Heather her own plane as part of their divorce settlement? She still has to shave the other leg herself though.

Leeroy Internationalhouseofpancakes Jr

madonna relaxes at home on her cross

Allegedly Maddona’s real father has been revealed as non other than Desmond Tutu the Archbishop of South Africa (except he hasnt). It is belived that Maddona was adopted soon after birth in 1981 (cept she wasn’t). Speaking exclusively to Perez Travellodge, Leeroy Internationalhouseofpancakes Jr spilled the beans on this, the story Madge did not want you to know. Leeroy, who was a member of Maddona’s dance troupe in the early 1970’s said ” there was always this black dude hangin around when we used to dance outside Wallmart he had a red gown on and a dog collar like a priest he used to come up and bless her. I remember once she said “thank you Father” to him, I remeber thinkin ‘ dog gone thats her pop?” he didnt look much like her, but then one night I remeber we ran out of cash for the electric meter and the lights went out, I looked at Madge in the darkness and I could immediately see the family resemblence. Leeroy thinks that this family bond is what has inspired Maddona to use religious iconography on stage he stated ” well it explains all those crucifixes and shit dont it. Do I get my $20 now..”

Archbishop Tutu was unavailable for comment today, a member of his staff said that he was “out shopping”…………….

Possibly at Wallmart then eh Desmond?

Perez TravellodgeÔ 2008 Ó